PEOPLE WHO KNOW HOW TO FUCKING PARK ON BRINK OF EXTINCTION

Yet another symptom of climate change? Or is he just an unspeakable bastard who deserves to die?

DRIVERS who can position their car in the middle of a parking space at a supermarket are sliding closer to extinction, conservationists have warned.

Research teams have recorded a sharp decline in numbers over the last decade, despite strenuous efforts to educate the public about how easy it is to just put your fucking car in the middle of a parking space.

Dr Tom Logan, head of species protection at the WWF, said: “There is a series of white lines separated by spaces roughly the same width as a car, plus a little bit more. Let’s think of that as the first Great Big Fucking Clue shall we?

“As we approach, we then have to ask ourselves: ‘do I park on the white line, do I straddle the white line or do I get my huge, chocolate-covered face out of my fat, greedy, unwashed arse and just put the fucking car in the middle of the fucking space?’”

Conservationists have blamed the crisis on a combination of poaching, loss of habitat and an unbelievable fucking selfishness by a bunch of total and complete bastards who deserve to die on a spike.

“There are now less than 50 people in the UK who are able to do this,” said Dr Logan. “That’s not just a tragedy for our planet, it’s doing my fucking head in every time I go to Homebase.”

WWF warned that drivers who can park in the middle of a space will soon share the fate of people who knew not to park four feet from the fucking kerb, extinct since 1993.

Dr Logan added: “A fucking mountain gorilla could do this with its fucking eyes shut, but for some reason the average British motorist seems to think every car park in the world was made just for them.

“Or maybe they’ve heard that if they park on the white line Graham-fucking-Norton is going to jump out from behind a bottle-bank and send them on holiday to Orlando.

“Anyway, the point is we need more money.”

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